Hi, my name is Kasia and Scribocin has asked me to write something for Sally Quilford's Blog Takeover Day 4.
I'm not a writer, and I'm really bad at expressing my emotions or sharing my thoughts. I've only agreed to write this post because I'm no good at saying 'no'. It's all to do with my fear of judgement. My mother has taught me that people would always judge me. That's why it's so important to do the right thing.
If only I knew what is right for me, like my mother does.
Of, course, my mother is toxic. I know that, but knowing doesn't help. I still can't stop trying to live up to her expectation. It's the same with my lack of assertiveness. My fiance's affection is suffocating me, but I can't tell him to stop calling me gazillion times a day, or always be there for me, even if I don't ask. It's because he loves me and I so desperately want to be loved. But I've just learnt to ignore his phone calls - it helps. I can reply to him later in bulk. It gives me a bit of a breathing space.
I know it's wrong. I know some people think I shouldn't be with this guy, since I don't love him. Some even think he's abusive and manipulative. Scribocin says he'll hit me one day. Can he, really? He's such a goody-goody. Can you kill with too much love?
Well, I know you can, but like with many things I know - so what? Knowing that something in your life or with you is wrong doesn't mean that you're ready to change it.
Insight is not enough to change. You need more to turn the page and start your life afresh.
You need good motivation and a firm decision. You need to stick to it. You need to carry on against all odds, people, and sometimes agaist the grain.
So for now, I'm stuck in my unhappy life, in Chapter 18 of Scribocin's first and still unfinished novel 'Mr Pretender and Dead Princess'. I'm doomed until she picks up her pen (keyboard) and let me sort it out. She's promised she'd do it this year. She says she's turing the page and taking her writing seriously.
She better keeps her word, because I can't stand people who don't keep their promises.
